KILL RON, Vol 1
by El Pepe
Summary: They thought they could kill him. All they did was anger one very powerful witch. Psudo HPxKB xover. HP/HG.
1. I Am Gonna Kill Ron

**KILL RON**

**DISCLAMER: I do not own Harry Potter, Hermione Granger (though I wish I did), nor any of the Kill Bill references. I don't even know if I own this plot. Personally, I blame the writer's block. None of this should be taken seriously, and I doubt this will pass for comedy of any kind. Reader discretion is…whatever. R&R, you flame me I'll flame you right back.**

She looked out the window of the school infirmary, noticing that the sun was starting to rise. She looked at it, knowing that it was only one day closer to the truth of what would happen to her Harry. He would either survive the attack that they caused, or he would die. But no matter which happened to him, the ones who hurt him were going to die the most painful and horrible death that no pureblood would ever imagine.

"They tried to take everything away from me." she said, looking down to the sleeping man lying on the hospital bed in front of her. She brushed his hair away from his eyes, revealing a lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead. She smiled at him before kissing his lips, glad that he no longer felt like death warmed over.

"They thought they could kill him." she said, pulling out her wand to transfigure her school robes into a skin-tight yellow suit with a black stripe running down both sides. "But that prophecy saved his life for once."

She waved her wand while muttering a spell under her breath and a long katana appeared in her hands.

"I will kill those who were in on it. Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, Ginny Weasly, Lavender Brown."

She pulled out the katana and held it up in a defensive stance.

"And then…I am gonna kill Ron…"

**(A/N: Again…I blame the writer's block…)**


	2. Draco Looses By A Head

**KILL RON**

She stalked through the halls of Hogwarts, contempt to stay in the shadows. She knew that she had to get to the dungeons to take care of her first two targets. Luckily as the Head Girl for the year, she knew all the passwords to get into every room in the school, including the dungeons. But first, she had to get there unnoticed by any of the Slytherins. The fact that she could have just used Harry's invisibility cloak or a spell to make her invisible was not lost on her at the moment, just not needed.

She crouched down, hugging the wall next to a suit of armor when a group of first year Ravenclaws walked past and stopped, looking at the Head Girl in shock. She pretended to ignore them for a moment, hoping that they would simply go away without her needed to take any action that might include a trail and verifiable witnesses. She stayed there for a moment, noticing that they weren't leaving.

"Get out of here!" she yelled at them after a moment.

"Um…Miss Granger…ma'am…why are you dressed like that?" one of the girls asked, looking back at her not so subtly starring male friend.

"Because I'm on a mission, now leave!" she yelled back, pulling out her katana. The group of first years yelled in fear and ran off, leaving her alone. "And tell no one that I was here!" she yelled after them. She sighed to herself before re-sheathing her katana. "Can't believe those stupid kids." she muttered to herself before she continued on towards the dungeons, reaching them after only a minute. She looked up at the entrance and spoke the password nice and clearly.

"I am **NOT** a Death Eater and I swear I **WILL** kill Harry Potter." she said loudly, causing the door to open up to allow her to enter. Tack another reason to kill that inbred fool of a potions master.

"Granger? What the bloody hell is a mudblood like you doing here?" she heard someone say on the other side of the room, the smirk evident in the voice. "Have you come to shine my knob?"

She turned slowly, her hand grasping her katana. She faced him, looking at him as if he were nothing more than a disgusting little incent that had just splattered on the windshield of a brand new Austin Martian. She pulled out her katana, letting the top of the blade pull across the metal to make the classic grinding sound of a sword.

"Actually, I'm here to cut off your knob."

"Scary." he said, looking at the sword in her hands before taking in what she was wear. "Interesting costume you're wearing mudblood. Is that why Potty was always with you before he was…fixed?"

"Oh, haven't you heard the good news, Harry's gonna live." she said, more for herself then to taunt her prey. "So I'm sure that me and him will be back to disappearing all the time soon enough."

"Hmm…interesting." he said before pulling his wand. "Expelliarmus!" he yelled. This has the desired effect of causing the katana to fly from Hermione's hands to him. However, when one is faced with a deadly sharp sword flying at them, any smart and sane person would duck.

Draco, however…is neither smart nor sane.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!" he yelled, looking down at the sword in his arm. He quickly looked back towards Hermione and saw her smiling evilly as she walked up towards him. She grabbed the sword and pulled it out, getting a torrent of blood to shot from the wound.

"Now…die!" she yelled, cutting his head off, getting a geyser of blood to shoot into the air. She smiled as the body slump down limp before she walked out of the common room, looking down at her list, putting a line through the first name with a smile.

_Draco  
_Snape  
Ginny  
Lavender

**RON**

Yes, she still had work to do. But first, she needed to check on Harry. She smiled, putting away her sword after cleaning it of the blood and walked towards the infirmary, whistling a little tune she heard in a movie.

**(A/N: Damn...I can't do strick-through on this. Well, lets all pretend that the names in italics have a line through them...)**


	3. Snape Learns From The Top Of His Head

**KILL RON**

As she was making her way towards the infirmary, she was stopped by the greasy-haired bat himself, Severus Snape, the head of Slytherin, double-agent, and all around git.

"Well, well, well…if it isn't Potter's pet mudblood." he said with a class-action sneer.

"Seriously…is 'mudblood' the only decent insult that people can come up with?" she asked, looking at him. He just shrugged at her before pulling his wand.

"Crucio!" he yelled, causing her to jump to the side and pull out her katana, causing him to laugh.

"What?" she asked, standing up in an attack position.

"You think a toy like that can beat me!?" he yelled, giving her another sneer before he raised his wand up at her again. "Crucio!"

She jumped out of the way, the curse hitting a suit of armor that exploded upon impact. "Seriously, Sir, I thought you could aim better than that."

"I'll show you aim, mudblood whore!" he yelled, crouching down. "Sectumsempra!" he yelled, sending a large cutting curse at her. She couldn't dodge it, so she did the only thing she could think of. She lowered her sword to take the impact. What happened next was never explainable.

As the curse hit the blade of the katana, the curse rebounded like it was also a sword and swept back at Snape. He didn't have the time to move either, nor did he try to duck down under it. The last thing he saw was the arch of the curse coming at him before it cut the top part of his head off. He stayed kneeling there for a moment, the top part of his head lying a few feet away as his mouth hung open and blood dribbled out of the wound before he dropped dead.

"Well…he's dead." she said, taking out her list to put a line through his name. She smiled to herself before continuing her walk to the infirmary, pushing the doors open to find Harry sitting up, having a glass of water.

"HARRY!!!" she yelled, running over to him with a smile on her face. He looked over at her and smiled as well.

"Well, if it isn't my 'Mione dressed in a skin-tight suit with a sword…and…covered in blood…what the hell?" he asked, looking up at her.

"Oh, don't worry, none of it is mine." she said, using a cleaning spell before flinging herself into his arms. "I was so afraid you wouldn't make it. Being hit by five killing curses, I was afraid you'd have died!" she said loudly, crying.

"I'm fine, 'Mione, really, I'm fine." he said, holding her. "What about you? What have you been doing?"

"Oh, not much, just playing some…games…with people. Games to die for." she said, looking at him.

"O…kay." he said, looking at her. "Were you hit with a confundo?" he asked, looking at her.

"Oh, nothing like that silly." she said, kissing him hard. "Now, I need to go and finish up with my kil…I mean, with the game. I'll be back later and we can play some games of our own." she said, kissing him again.

"Seriously…were you hit with a confundo?"

"No, of course not." she assured him, once again kissing him. "Now, be good. I gotta go." she said, kissing him once more before walking out of the infirmary, humming a strange tune under her breath while Harry lied back, muttering to himself about crazy girlfriends in sexy skin-tight suits and confundo curses.

**(A/N: Personally…I think I was hit with a confundo…)**


	4. Ginny Swallows

**KILL RON**

Hermione checked her list, seeing that Ginny was next on it to die. She smiled evilly, deciding to check out Ginny's usual haunts, including a certain lavatory on the second floor. She knew that the girl was drawn there due to what had happened to her during her first year. That was fine by her if she was there. Moaning Myrtle might have company for the rest of time.

She walked into the lavatory, and sure enough, there was Miss Weasley, brewing a potion, amortentia by the looks of it. She smiled before vanishing the potion, getting Ginny to spin around, wand out, only to drop it at the sight of Hermione standing there.

"What…the hell…are you wearing?" she asked, her eyes growing wide.

"Something I'm sure Harry will come to enjoy." she said simply, pulling her katana. She looked at the redheaded girl in front of her and smiled evilly. "Now…die!" she yelled, charging forward. Ginny smiled and shot a tripping hex at her, only to have the smile wiped off her face as the curse deflected back towards her off the sword. She fell to the floor and started to slide, screaming as Hermione lowered the katana. The sword shot into Ginny's open mouth, killing her. A moment later, a ghost rose from where Ginny's dead body lay.

"What the hell mudblood!?" the ghost yelled, trying to strangle Hermione. "Why did you kill me, in here of all places!?"

"Yes, why here?" asked an annoyed Moaning Myrtle. Hermione looked over and saw the girl sticking her head out of a toilet in annoyance. "And why her? Why not Harry?"

"Because Harry's mine." she said simply, pulling out her list to put a line through Ginny's name. "And I don't share for anything."

"Access to the ghost library." Moaning Myrtle said quickly, getting Hermione to pause as she was putting away her list. Her love for books was well known.

"I'll…think about it…" she said, walking out of the lavatory. As she was walking down the hallway towards the common rooms, Dumbledore stopped her, having came out of nowhere like he always did.

"Ah, Miss Granger. Just the person I was looking for." he said, his voice in his grandfather mode. "I have come to tell you that Miss Brown and Mr. Weasley have gone over to The Burrow regarding an…incident involving a vat of whipped cream, chocolate syrup, a rubber chicken, and a complete lack of clothing.

"O…kay."

"Yes, I believe Molly is forcing them to marry." he said, taking no notice of her current clothing and the fact that she was covered in blood and holding a sword. "Now, I must be on my way. I need to try and find Professor Snape."

"Yes, Sir." she said, making her way out onto the grounds and towards the gate of Hogwarts. She got on the other side and raised up her wand, summoning the Knight Bus.

"How can I help you, ma'am?" the driver asked, opening the door, ignoring the sword and blood.

"One for Ottery St. Catchpole, please." she said.

**(A/N: Everyone's hit-list wish-list will be carried out before the end of the story…unless I decide not to carry it out in which case it won't be carried out before the end of the story.)**


	5. Lavender Takes a Dive

**KILL RON**

**(A/N: Don't own Frank Jaeger/Hunter/Grey Fox. I wouldn't mind owning his sword, though. Don't own Princes's Bride, either)**

The Knight Bus pulled up to the house and Hermione got off after paying her fare. She smiled to herself, walking up to the door. She knocked on it and heard footsteps leading up to the door. It opened, and Lavender looked at her, her eyes growing wide before Hermione shoved herself in. She pulled her katana and looked at the girl in front of her.

"My name is Hermione Jane Granger. You tried to kill my Harry. Prepare to die."

"What?" the pureblood asked, looking at her as if she had just lost her mind.

"Damn purebloods. Die!" Hermione yelled, slashing the blade down, only to have Lavender jump back and conjure a katana of her own. Hermione paused and looked at her, deciding that this might actually be a battle worth fighting.

"I was trained by the master, Frank Hunter, from the States." Lavender said, causing Hermione to simply raise an eyebrow at the poor girl. To think that some nutcase from the States could use a katana…

"Whatever. Are you prepared to die?"

"Bring it on bitch!" she yelled. They both started to run at each other, their swords up against their heads as they screamed and brought down the swords, getting them to clang against each other. This continued as they walked up the various stairs of the Borrow, destroying the hallways around them. They continued to yell and scream insults at each other, most notable being "Pureblood/Mudblood Bitch" amongst a few others. It all cumulated when they somehow found themselves on the roof. Panting heavily, Hermione looked up at Lavender and gave her a sickly sweet smile.

"So tell me," she started, looking at her, "just between us girls. Why did you go to Ron?"

"You want to know why?" she asked, looking at her. "Because he's five inches long while hard, which is longer than _any_ pureblood, and he'll sometimes lick me down there." she said with a smile. "What about you, why are you with the half- blood?"

"Because his wand isn't the only thing that's eleven and a half inches, and he licks and eats me out down there at least five times a day!" she yelled, a triumphant smile on her face at the look of greed and lust on Lavender's face as she raised up the sword. "And it's all mine!" she yelled, stabbing Lavender before kicking her off the roof. Lavender fell to the ground, falling into a strategically dug hole where her neck snapped.

Hermione smiled, looking down at the dead girl before pulling out list. She put a line through Lavender's name and smiled to herself before dropping it on the rood. She sheathed her sword and walked back into the Borrow, finding Mrs. Weasley in the kitchen.

"Hermione, dear, how good to see you." she said, turning away from the endless pots on the stove. "You just missed Ron, dear. I guess Dumbledore sent you here to inquire if I am going to force him to marry that Lavender girl. I am surly tempted to, but I haven't decided yet." she said, clearly omitting the obvious questions of why Hermione was in a skin tight suit.

"Oh. I'll be sure to tell Professor Dumbledore." Hermione said, walking out of the house. She smiled to herself, looking over towards Lavender's new grave.

"Yes. I have stopped them all. Now…I am gonna kill Ron." she said, walking back out in front of the house. She stuck out her wand arm and the Knight Bus once again pulled up.

"Where to, ma'am?" the driver asked, once again ignoring the sword.

"One for Hogwarts, please." she said with an evil smile.

---

In the bushes, a young squib peeked out, seeing the brown-haired assassin leave. The squib, a movie maker, had been looking for something new to make a movie on. This beautiful assassin seemed to be the ticket. He tried to decide what to name it, deciding that "Kill Ron" just didn't have enough a ring to it. A loud crack brought his attention back to the house as a tall red-head appeared and walked up to the house.

"Mum? Hey, mum, you home!?"

"Bill! How are you dear?" a woman asked, walking outside.

"Mum, my bride is pregnant." he said with a smile.

"Really!? That's nice! Now hopefully, she doesn't decide to kill, Bill." she said, walking inside with the man.

The squib quickly left, now knowing what to call his new movie idea.

"Kill…Bill." the squib, a man by the name of Quentin Tarantino, said with a smile.

**(A/N: I was told this wasn't funny, even for a crack fic. Interesting. Critics thought Anchorman was funny and the best movie of the year, and I found it to be the biggest waste of my time and money. This piece of crap story is funnier then Anchorman. That, and I remember saying at the very beginning that it wouldn't pass for humor. So people, please…don't leave me a review saying that it's not funny. I've read dark stuff and laughed my ass off at it. You don't think it's funny, fine. Don't read it. Don't waste your time telling me something's not funny. Go find your own brand of humor.)**


	6. Ron Gets Trampled Under Foot

**KILL RON**

**(A/N: Yes, I just saw the Christian Bale thing, stupid fucking idiot. For those that don't like cursing, the words "fuck" and "fucking" are used in the story thirty-two times, for a grand total of thirty-five times in this part, author notes included.)**

Hermione walked back into Hogwarts, pleased with what she had been able to do so far. She knew that all she had to do was kill Ron, and then Harry and her could live happily ever after. At least, they could once he finally killed off Voldemort. She smiled, knowing that he would win.

So it came as a large surprise for her when she was hit in the back with a stupefy.

---

She woke up, her head sore as she slowly looked around, finding herself tied to a chair on top of the Astronomy Tower, her sword lying a table a bit away from her. She looked over and saw Ron standing on the opposite side of the the tower, looking down over the grounds below.

"You! I'm gonna fucking kill you fucking son of a fucking bitch! Fuck!" she yelled, getting him to turn around and look at her in shock. "Oh don't give me that fucking look you little fucking fuck."

"Her…wha…uh…what!?" he stammered, looking at her. This wasn't what he was expecting.

"You fucking fuck! Can't even fucking talk for fucks sake! Who the fuck do you think you are, all 'ladeladela' you damn fucking arsehole!?"

"Hermione!?"

"Oh, don't fucking give me that 'Hermione' fucking shit, you piss-poor excuse of a fucking wizard!"

"Why are you cussing like this? You never cuss!"

"Oh grow a fucking pair!"

"Silencio!" he yelled, waving his wand at her.

"Oh no, don't you dare shut me up!" she yelled, the silencing curse having no effect on her.

"What the hell!?" he yelled, backing up towards the edge.

"You fucking fuck, don't you try and fucking leave!" she yelled, trying to move her chair closer to him.

"I…I…I…"

"You can't even fucking talk, you fucking stupid fucking fuck!"

"Hermione…I…I…uh…uh shit!" he yelled, tripping. He fell off the side of the tower, screaming as his body went flying towards the ground.

"You fucking arsehole, you're the fucking flyer! Can you fly, mother fucker!? Can you fly!?"

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo..."

"Dumb fucking shit!" she yelled, feeling the magical bonds still holding her. "Dumb fucking shit couldn't even fucking die right, stupid fucking fuck!"

---

Ron looked up towards the tower, having hit the ground hard. He tried to move, but found that he couldn't. He thought about trying to send for help when a large shadow covered him.

"Gwap find bug. Gwap don't like bug." said the voice of Hagrid's brother.

"No…I'm not a bug." Ron pleaded, hoping the giant would leave him alone.

"Gwap squash bug." he said, lifting his foot.

"No…no…no…NO!!!" he yelled as the foot came flying down at him.

He never had a chance.

---

Hermione felt the bonds fall, and she quickly rushed over to look down, only to see Gwap standing there, grinding the body of Ron into the ground. She smiled to herself and collected her sword. She had killed her opposition. It was now time to check on her Harry in the infirmary. She walked off, humming a tune to herself.

**(A/N: I would just like to say that prior to watching the Christian Bale video on YouTube, I had no intention to write out this scene like this. It was going to end in some large, anti-climatic way just like the movie, but I thought, "Why not?", and decided to make fun of Christian Bale as well. Don't like it, fine.)**


	7. Hermione's Favorite Title

**KILL RON**

*DRACO*

It was to the shock of an unsuspecting Slytherin sixth-year prefect who opened the door to the common room when a tidal wave of blood rushed out, soaking her. Upon further inspection, they found it was Draco who had filled up the common room and most of the dormitories with blood. They came to this conclusion under the fact that his headless body was still there, spurting out blood.

*SNAPE*

It was a poor first-year Ravenclaw who found the body of Snape while trying to find a lavatory. Her screams drew a crowd, and the poor girl no longer needed to find that lavatory.

*GINNY*

For the first few hours, Ginny was pissed. She was a ghost, and was tied to the school. She knew she would need to try and find a way to alert the headmaster and get him to kill that mudblood bitch. That was, until she happened upon the Prefect's bathroom and noticed that she could become invisible at will. Thus, the most voyeuristic ghost since Moaning Myrtle was born. Her body wasn't found until twenty years later, when an expedition to the Chamber of Secrets was set to happen.

*LAVENDER AND RON*

For their part, no one ever found out what happened to them, and it was accepted that they eloped and left. Of course, it was always funny how there was a human-shaped patch of ground that always grew better at both Hogwarts and the Burrow. Of course, no one said anything.

*THE SQUIB, QUENTIN TARANTINO*

For his part, he made a killing with his KILL BILL series, both Volume One and Volume Two. He made a shit-load of money on it, and Hermione never saw a dime for the royalties.

*HERMIONE*

For her part, her life now had everything it needed in it. Harry, good grade, Harry, money, Harry, a nice back-up job should she ever need one, Harry, and did she mention Harry? Of course, it helped with Moaning Myrtle having gone through with her offer to grant Hermione access to the ghost library. And for her part, Hermione allowed the ghost girl some time with Harry. Of course, it was her other title that she truly loved.

---

"Harry." Hermione said, looking at him during lunch one sunny day. He looked up and smiled at her.

"Yeah babe?" he asked, taking a drink of pumpkin juice.

"I'm pregnant." she said, watching him start to choke on his juice.

"You killed him!" Myrtle yelled, floating up to them with a happy look on her face.

"No, just told him he's going to be a father."

**THE END**

It was in a dark room, long forgotten by most, that it lay. Inside a room of long forgotten weapons caked in blood, dark objects, and priceless artifacts, this one stood out. The poster, folded in half, contained one of that darkest forms of magic can that be preformed. On it, the orange words "CANNON" lie in the bottom half, with animated players flying on brooms. The players, though, were dead and decaying, flying around on destroyed brooms. This was a side effect of the magic preformed on it.

The magic of making a horcrux.

**(Would just like to thank those who read this and actually left me a review. Again, I got no idea where the idea for this came from. As for this ending, well…you never know…**

…**KILL BILL did have a Volume Two…)**


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